


and I'll keep burning this way

by gottazoomkiddos



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Fix-It of Sorts, M/M, Post-Avengers: Endgame (Movie), a lot of angst but its reasonable bc Bucky is SAD, but sir this is my emotional support au, this is really just self indulgent for me
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-04-29
Updated: 2019-04-29
Packaged: 2020-02-09 16:12:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 970
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18641569
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gottazoomkiddos/pseuds/gottazoomkiddos
Summary: ~ ENDGAME SPOILERS ~Bucky wanted to say no. He wanted to scream and cry all at once, he wanted to grab Steve by his perfect arms and never let go. He wanted to keep seeing the brightness in his eyes every morning and smell his shitty shampoo whenever they sat too close to each other while watching a movie.or Bucky deals with the aftermath of Steve's decision.





	and I'll keep burning this way

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first post on this AO3 account, so it's definitely not perfect - if you find any grammatical or syntax errors, please let me know!
> 
> This fic started out as me wanting to vent some frustration about Steve's choice at the end, but it might end up chaptered. Let me know if you'd like a part two!
> 
> The title is from a song called Hot Knifer by Peach Pit, it's one of my favs. I'd totally recommend.

Bucky wanted to say no. He wanted to scream and cry all at once, he wanted to grab Steve by his perfect arms and never let go. He wanted to keep seeing the brightness in his eyes every morning and smell his shitty shampoo whenever they sat too close to each other while watching a movie.

But Steve was right. Peggy was his dream girl and he had every right to live out the life he wanted to. Above all, Bucky wanted Steve to be happy. Even if he could only be happy in a world without him. So he smiled and patted his shoulder, trying to shove all his frustration under an enthusiastic nod. Then Steve smiled, and his eyes crinkled up, and Bucky felt some type of comfort in that.

Bucky almost said it then, while Steve walked off to talk to Sam, in some attempt to get him to stay. He was two milliseconds from blurting out what had scared him for decades right then and there, standing in a goddamn forest. Not exactly the most romantic scene, but Steve would've known and that's all that mattered. But his throat constricted, and before he knew it Steve was in the middle of a - noticeably cheerier, mind you - conversation with Sam. Bucky felt his eyes sting.

Bruce was starting his count down and Steve was standing up on the platform, determined look plastered on his face. Sam looked hopeful, excited even, but Bucky knew this was the last time he was going to see Steve; at least with him looking like this. 

_Five_

Bucky scanned Steve's face for everything he could. The way his eyes glinted in the fading sunlight, the way his hair fell on top of his ears. The curve of his cheekbones and the shadow cast by his eyelashes.

_Four_

Why did he agree to this? Bucky already missed the feeling of Steve's hands on his back.

_Three_

Steve had turned to look at Bucky. Bucky could feel himself inhale sharp, and he tried his best to soften his gaze towards his friend. Bucky didn't want Steve to regret his decision. 

_Two_

He loved Steve so much. Even looking at him now, Bucky could imagine what he looked like back in Wakanda, smiling like an idiot, not knowing any of this _shit_ was going to happen to them.

_One_

Bucky had to tell him. His brain was burning and his eyes were stinging again and he couldn't let Steve leave without him knowing.

"I love you," he mouthed, holding Steve's gaze the whole time.

Steve's eyes widened, just for a moment, just before he warped out of this reality. 

Bucky knew he might've been crying, but he didn't want to admit it until he felt wetness on his cheeks. He caught Sam's eyes for a second and seeing his excited expression made Bucky jam his hands in his pockets. Sam's countenance changed in an instant, though, once he realized Steve wasn't showing up. 

"Where is he?" He heard Sam shout. 

No use, Bucky thought to himself. Steve was gone, and hopefully, he was happy, wherever he ended up. 

```

Bucky didn't even want to talk to Steve, at least not yet. He wasn't ready to hear about how great of a life he had without him in the picture. Bucky thinks it'd hurt too much.

He has a photo of him and Steve, back before he got snapped but after he had moved into that cottage in Wakanda, sitting on his dresser. They're both sitting on the grass outside Bucky's old house. Bucky is sitting criss-crossed playing with the grass, while Steve is laying back, squinting up at him with a wide smile. It was one of the first times they both had gotten time off (Steve from missions, Bucky from therapy) at the same time, and they and Sam all went back to Bucky's place. Steve looked happy there, something he hadn't seen in the brief time they had had with each other after Bucky was brought back. 

When he gets back to his room, Bucky grabs the picture, sits down on his bed, and lets himself cry for real. Not screaming crying, but he doesn't even try to wipe the wetness from his face. 

"Hey Barnes," says a voice from his doorway.

Bucky looks up. "Wilson," he greets. 

Sam walks into Bucky's room. He looks over Bucky's shoulder at the photo he's holding and puts a hand on his shoulder. Bucky tries a smile, but he knows its wobbly. He has been crying, after all. Sam moves to sit on the floor, his back leaning against the wall opposite Bucky's bed. He's clearly trying to think through something, perhaps trying to find the right phrasing.

"Never been one to keep quiet, Sam. Go ahead, it won't hurt me,"

Sam sighs. Shifts his position on the floor. Wrings his hands. "Did you know?"

Bucky gives a watery laugh. "Of course I knew. 'ts why I was such a mess when he was leaving,"

Sam nods, then looks down. "I saw what you whispered to him, right before he left,"

Bucky stiffens, but Sam continues. "If you want my opinion, I think he knew. And I think that's why he told you what he was going to do,"

Bucky laughs, just as weak as before. "Don't know if that makes it better or worse,"

Sam smiles. "You want another opinion?"

"Shoot,"

"I think he loved you, too. Before Peggy, before any of it. You didn't see him when you were still, well, not you. Never seen a man more determined to get something in my life,"

Sam gets up at that and walks over to Bucky. "Go talk to him, man. He wants to see you, I can tell,"

Bucky nods. "Thanks, Wilson,"

"No problem, Barnes,"


End file.
